Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday Funnies...

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. ~~~~~Robert Frost

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'


Idiot Number One of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman
called in very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency
room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride..

Idiot Number Two of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly
after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are
no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Idiot Number Three of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in
this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup
note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of A merica.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left.He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Idiot Number Four of 2008

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and
a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police
that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He
immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy...

But you still get a sign

Idiot Number Five of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe
you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't
believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted
the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The
whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

Idiot Number Eight of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ).
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a
good place for them to be crossing anymore."

STAY ALERT ! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
- Ogden Nash

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
- Erma Bombeck

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.
- Desmond Tutu

An ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship.
- Spanish Proverb

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.
- Paul Pearshall

The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life's essential unfairness.
- Nancy Mitford

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
- Thomas Jefferson

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- John Bowring

A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.
- Helen Keller

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.
- Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer

I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family.
- Trey Parker

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
- Alex Haley

Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.
- George Bernard Shaw

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
- Bertrand Russell

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
- Evan Esar

And so it goes......


Bob said...

Joyce was reading these to me today. I love that first "Little Johnny" joke -- "I hate to see you standing there all by yourself" -- sounds just like something my older brother Roy would have said to a teacher.

Kate said...

Hi KY, Thanks for the laughter today, really needed it today, Rob is driving me insane - funny thing is i'm doin the same to him (he says) his back-ache is lasting far too long... quite honestly I feel like running away to join the soldiers - 'wot dya think eh - would they take a 62 year old woman who is near the end of her rope.. (as far as her 'old git of a husband is concerned !) He said this morning I should just go into the spare bedroom and sit at my P.C. for a while... (it has the effect of calming me down somehow )! So I have ! Cheers Kate x.

Ky Woman said...

Sounds like your brother Roy was a 'corker'. Did he get into trouble without trying?

Always welcome for the laughter. If you go join the soldiers, can I go with you? It's been one of those weeks I need to run from. Hope Rob gets better soon so you can get a rest too. Love and hugs being sent your way...

brat said...

If there is any running away to join the soldiers, you are NOT leaving without meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..:p~~~~

Just sayin'...