Friday Funnies...

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
~~~~~Mark Twain



Ack!! It's been a long time since I've posted a few Friday Funnies. Life is sorta busy right now. But really, would we want it any other way? Nahhh, probably not.

So...without any further commentary from the nut gallery, Teh funnies.

Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden
door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door
pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!

~~~~~
My Dog...



I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.

Damn is this a great country or what?
~~~~~

The Laws of Another Type...

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
~~~~~


And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

Flirtation: attention without intention.
~~~~~Max O'Rell


Yikes! 'Tis been a few weeks without the funnies to lighten the load of all the drama going on in the world. So much that there are days that I'd like to not so much take a look at what all is happening. But then again, I can't stop myself.

So without further adieu...


Jesse, John, and Al...

L.A. Times headlines

"South Los Angeles four-plex destroyed by a fire " .

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all
six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country
from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they
too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew
into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera.

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims, and
Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief said, "Simple--- they were away .... at work."
~~~~~

First Job...

Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that
we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the
goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough' more or less,
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew
building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the
house again this week, too'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those a-holes at Home Depot ever get around
to delivering the f***in’ drywall...'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
~~~~~

Best Interview on Radio...

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of
the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between
a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.
~~~~~



And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

What is a ten percent improvement on perfect?
~~~~~Mr. Anonymous himself


Another week has come and gone. I have been remiss in not keeping up with all the reading I normally do. Sometimes other things take precedence over my computer time. Not that I'm complaining. Not at all. Quite frankly, I'd much rather be spending time with and doing what I've been doing the last few days, than being home alone on the computer... I'm sure that most of you will understand. Right?

Even though I have to prepare for the last day at the donut place, I wanted to drop in with a quick note to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. And to leave y'all with a funny email that O'Wise One sent me last night. I started laughing out loud and then Mr. A had to read it, we were both laughing as we read the ending. I was wiping the tears out of my eyes at the image it created. Hope it brings a wee bit of laughter to y'all as well.

TEXAS CHILI CONTEST

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction
of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank:  "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili-cooking contest. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is judge #3.)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?!
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to putout the flames.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
pie-eyed from all of the beer..

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac???

Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato;
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic.  Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems
inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing;
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.

And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
~~~~~Lewis Cass



Another work week ends, and yet my work here at home is just beginning. How can that be? Didn't you know that a woman's work is never done? Yup, tis true. Don't believe me? Ask another woman... Ha Ha.

Since it's only a couple of weeks away from Cupid's Day, I must spend part of my weekend hours baking. Momma has promised to come help me with the making of cookies to send to 'Our Guys'. I think we will be making a extra box to send to the recovering Marine, B.B. and his wife.

Oh, didn't I tell y'all that he has arrived at Bethesda, his wife and parents are there, too. Momma had a phone conversation with his grandmother who relayed a few of his reactions to his injuries. "As soon as I can get out of here, I'm going back to get that S.O.B." Typical, isn't it? A Soldier wanting to get back into the fight. A true warrior. Especially now that it has become personal. His wife was heard to reply. "Oh no you aren't. We're going home to Kentucky!"
Time will tell who wins that argument.


Last week I neglected to post my usual Friday Funnies. I'm sorry, I was otherwise occupied. Today seems to be a good day to resume. I'm in need of a few good laughs. A hectic week, the drives to work being extremely harrowing, as well as being a touch lonely. Nothing cures the blues better than a good belly laugh or at least a chuckle to bring a smile to the face.

Our new OBAMA policies

Dear employee:


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future.


Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.


This program will be known as S.L.A.P.
(Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase
of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W.
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get: H.E.R.P.E.S.
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)or
C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans,
any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S or C.L.A.P. will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
on board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).


We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive.
We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in
this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T.
on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.


And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

~~~~~
A Very Bad Day

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink,and he just stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking around. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No-no, it's not that. Today day has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to a very important meeting. My boss,was so Furious, that he just up and fired me. Then, when I left the building to go to my car, I found,that It had been stolen. Then police, tell me that they could do nothing about it. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab, which had all of my money in it . I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!




And so it goes......

Late Night Friday Funnies...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.
~~~~~Flavia Weedn


It was an extremely long day today. Many irritations and misunderstandings that made me just want to step away from it all. To pack my bags and take a solitary trip someplace nice and quiet.
But... it was my weekend time with the Hunny Bunnies and Booger Butt. My picking them up from daycare was in jeopardy until my DIL called and tried to explain their silence. I'm still not sure of their why's and what for's. As long as I'm able to see the youngins, I'm good to go.
The Hunny Bunny 1 wasn't allowed to be picked up till late tonight, and no offer to bring her to my house was forthcoming. Since I didn't want to drag two sleeping babies out in the cold dark night, I elected to pick her up in the morning. See, it was one of those days. Frustration was struggling to overcome me. There are times it seems everything is at someone else's convenience, never for mine. Ah well, a hundred years from now, it won't matter one whit.
I reckon now is a good time to read a bit for the humor that keeps me sane in an insane world.
~~~~~


BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth
and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
~~~~~

Frequent Flyers...

On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

~~~~~

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

~~~~~

Needles are not nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

~~~~~

So how was your day?

And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. ~~~~~Robert Frost



Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
~~~~~

IDIOT AWARDS FOR 2008!

Idiot Number One of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman
called in very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency
room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two of 2008 

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly
after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are
no longer employed at Boeing. 

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Three of 2008 

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in
this bag."  While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup
note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of A merica.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left.He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Four of 2008

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and
a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police
that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.  He
immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy...

But you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Five of 2008 

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe
you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't
believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license.   They arrested the
robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2008 

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" 
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. 

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2008 

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted
the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The
whole event was caught on videotape. 

Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight of 2008 

I live in a semi-rural area.  ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ).
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a
good place for them to be crossing anymore."

STAY ALERT ! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!
~~~~~

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
- Ogden Nash

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
- Erma Bombeck

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.
- Desmond Tutu

An ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship.
- Spanish Proverb

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.
- Paul Pearshall

The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life's essential unfairness.
- Nancy Mitford

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
- Thomas Jefferson

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- John Bowring

A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.
- Helen Keller

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.
- Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer

I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family.
- Trey Parker

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
- Alex Haley

Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.
- George Bernard Shaw

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
- Bertrand Russell

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
- Evan Esar

And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
~~~~~Thornton Wilder


Since I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, preparing for an influx of sisters', brothers', nieces, nephews, Momma, the in-laws and out-laws, too, I thought I would post some "Thanksgiving" related jokes and such.

Tonight, the cooking starts...
It might be a few days before I've recuperated enough to be out and about in the blogosphere. Ha! Another joke... You forgot about this addiction of mine, didn't ya?


Thanksgiving Facts:

By the fall of 1621 only half of the pilgrims, who had sailed on the Mayflower, survived. The survivors, thankful to be alive, decided to give a thanksgiving feast. Aren't we all thankful?

Thanksgiving Day is celebrated on the second Monday in October in Canada. Darn, they've got a head start on us.

The drink that the Puritans brought with them in the Mayflower was the beer. Hmmm, so they liked beer, did they?

The first Thanksgiving celebration lasted three days. Still true today. 2 days to prepare and 1 to eat!

President George Washington issued the first national Thanksgiving Day Proclamation in the year 1789 and again in 1795. Did they not celebrate their being thankful the years in between?

Sarah Josepha Hale, an editor with a magazine, started a Thanksgiving campaign in 1827 and it was result of her efforts that in 1863 Thanksgiving was observed as a day for national thanksgiving and prayer. Even back then, the media was good at influencing the public.

Abraham Lincoln issued a 'Thanksgiving Proclamation' on third October 1863 and officially set aside the last Thursday of November as the national day for Thanksgiving. Whereas earlier the presidents used to make an annual proclamation to specify the day when Thanksgiving was to be held. Say what? So it was whenever the President at the time decided that we needed to be thankful? Oy Vey!! What were they thinking?


President Franklin D. Roosevelt restored Thursday before last of November as Thanksgiving Day in the year 1939. He did so to make the Christmas shopping season longer and thus stimulate the economy of the state. Oh Lordy! Let's not give them any ideas here.

Congress passed an official proclamation in 1941 and declared that now onwards Thanksgiving will be observed as a legal holiday on the fourth Thursday of November every year. Can you imagine Congress actually doing something constructive?
~~~~~


Q- What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.
~~~~~

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
~~~~~

Thanksgiving Divorce -

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,” She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

~~~~~

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast:

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

~~~~~

Things to do and say to liven up Thanksgiving Dinner:

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."






And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
~~~~~Bill Cosby

The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
~~~~~

Purchasing new brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"
~~~~~

Strange But True...

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists ( which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
~~~~~
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
~~~~~
This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric Next 20 miles
~~~~~
When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.
~~~~~
In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations.
~~~~~
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company (3M) creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
~~~~~
Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
~~~~~
Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:
"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.
~~~~~
A replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
~~~~~
A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone. After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.
~~~~~
The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business. The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.
~~~~~
Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men. The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.
~~~~~
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing." To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"
~~~~~





And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

We exaggerate misfortune and happiness alike. We are never as bad off or as happy as we say we are.
~~~~~Honore de Balzac


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas "

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
~~~~~


After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...What the hell did you think I said?
~~~~~

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"
The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"

The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts...

"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"





And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

The legions of reporters who cover politics don't want to quit the clash and thunder of electoral combat for the dry duty of analyzing the federal budget. As a consequence, we have created the perpetual presidential campaign.
~~~~~Hugh Sidey


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. ­

Vote carefully this year.
~~~~~

Nana's Nursing Home...

A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied.

"Except they won't let me fart."
~~~~~

Friends vs. Southern Friends
(for all my Southern Friends whether they live in the North or South!! Love ya!)

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home !'

FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail .
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.

FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home.

FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.





And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour.
~~~~~Arthur Schopenhauer


Only in America......
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
~~~~~

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~

Have a Good Day

A Florida senior citizen drive his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing" I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper . . .. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.



And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
~~~~~George S. Patton


Conventions or Conferences...

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!

Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy."
~~~~~

Love Dress...

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked! " the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end."
"Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

Visiting hours will be on Monday from 2 to 4 & 7 to 9 at The Rest Assured Funeral Home
~~~~~

5 Minute Management Course...

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,

Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE




And so it goes......