Friday, January 2, 2009

Friday Funnies...

To the lamp of love: may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial.
~~~~~Author Unknown

Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

A woman was returning home from church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Three men -

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three
wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada'. POOF! With the blink of
the Genie's eye,the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,
500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

Alternative Affirmations...

It is a time of resolutions. I made one resolution many years ago and I have stuck to it. I resolved to no longer make resolutions. The following are some alternative affirmations for a new year.

At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

18. I will no longer procrastinate... starting tomorrow.

(note: I added the last one just for good measure. The reality is that I know I procrastinate... As I sit here staring at my Christmas tree. There is one consolation though, I also know I'm in good company.)

And so it goes......


Tina said...

OK the wall is my fav :P

Mike Golch said...

the Genie was really good.

Ky Woman said...

I loved the Biker's wish!! if only it was that easy...

But I'm going to keep my eyes open for any and all genies.

lela said...

I'd love to find that genie, too! I can't figure out how to trackback, so I'll just tell you here that I had to "steal" the post for my blog...loved it that much. 'Course I gave you credit....BTW...have a great new year, with or without resolutions!

Susan Katz Keating said...

HAhahaha... Who needs meds when we've got the Friday Funnies? Thanks for the belly laughs! LHP!