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Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Funnies...

People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
~~~~~Lewis Cass



Another work week ends, and yet my work here at home is just beginning. How can that be? Didn't you know that a woman's work is never done? Yup, tis true. Don't believe me? Ask another woman...
Ha Ha.

Since it's only a couple of weeks away from Cupid's Day, I must spend part of my weekend hours baking. Momma has promised to come help me with the making of cookies to send to 'Our Guys'. I think we will be making a extra box to send to the recovering Marine, B.B. and his wife.

Oh, didn't I tell y'all that he has arrived at Bethesda, his wife and parents are there, too. Momma had a phone conversation with his grandmother who relayed a few of his reactions to his injuries. "As soon as I can get out of here, I'm going back to get that S.O.B." Typical, isn't it? A Soldier wanting to get back into the fight. A true warrior. Especially now that it has become personal. His wife was heard to reply. "Oh no you aren't. We're going home to Kentucky!"
Time will tell who wins that argument.


Last week I neglected to post my usual Friday Funnies. I'm sorry, I was otherwise occupied. Today seems to be a good day to resume. I'm in need of a few good laughs. A hectic week, the drives to work being extremely harrowing, as well as being a touch lonely. Nothing cures the blues better than a good belly laugh or at least a chuckle to bring a smile to the face.


Our new OBAMA policies

Dear employee:


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who
represent our future.



Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.



This program will be known as S.L.A.P.
(Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).


Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for jobs
outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase
of the program will be
called S.C.R.E.W.
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).


All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with
upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).



Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice,
but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.



If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get:
H.E.R.P.E.S.
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)or

C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans,
any employee
who has received H.E.R.P.E.S or C.L.A.P. will no
longer be SLAPPED
or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
on board
that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through
our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).


We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive.
We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in
this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T.
on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure
you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.


And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management
~~~~~
A Very Bad Day

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink,and he just stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking around. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No-no, it's not that. Today day has been the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to a very important meeting. My boss,was so Furious, that he just up and fired me. Then, when I left the building to go to my car, I found,that It had been stolen. Then police, tell me that they could do nothing about it.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab, which had all of my money in it . I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!





And so it goes......

2 comments:

Mike Golch said...

the oil change is about right.

Ky Woman said...

Mike,
Surely you aren't saying men would be so....obstinate?

Just kidding! Hope you have a great week. :)