Saturday, August 9, 2008

Friday Funnies (Late)

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.
~~~~~Jean Houston

Time got away from me yesterday. Had many things on my 'to do' list, not so much that was accomplished. I did manage to pick up the Hunny Bunnies and Booger Butt. The rest? As my Daddy always said..."Better late than never."

So here are the Friday Funnies, just a day late...

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma
a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a
trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Desmond.
I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
'Mrs. Sanders, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro,
since He was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair.'


A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom,
'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....
then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner....
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a sh*t first.'


Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
~~~~~Mark Twain
And so it goes......


Grandma Faith said...

I love this song, " You Raise Me Up." Thanks again for the funnies. I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

Ky Woman said...

Hi Faith!

I love that song too. Then again, anything done by Celtic Women is fantastic.

That's what they are here for, to make people smile and laugh...
something we all need more of.