The workday requirements took precedence over my getting a few jokes posted today. Thankfully it was the last day of raging against the machine. My body thinks it's chewed me up and spit me back out. I hurt in places I forgot I had. Laughing at these little jokes might help ease the pain coursing through my muscles. That and a good long soak in the tub.
O'Wise One has done her part in my healing by sending me the first one. I had to call her late last night almost in tears over it. Awh, she knew I would break out in peals of laughter.
I do hope that they tickle your funny bone as well.
Lizard Birth...Deal with the Devil...
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on
my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do..
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.
'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly
to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
in their cage?' she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!'
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm,
sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know,' she informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,'
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
'Should I call 911 ? ' my eldest daughter wanted
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured.
'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going g to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um . . um . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started
to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,
but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
'It's just .that . .I 'm picturing you pulling on its . . .
its. . . teeny little . . ',
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter..
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30..
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.
Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
Cowboy and the Indians
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the a**. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the a**.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
And so it goes......