Friday, March 6, 2009

Friday Funnies...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
~~~~~Author Unknown

Even though I'm feeling under the weather, the need for a bit of laughter is ever present. Amazing how having the flu can muddle the mind and dull the senses, except the sense of humor. Granted, it might not bring forth a full blown laugh or guffaw, but a smile is still a smile...

Best of Late Night

"I don't need to tell you folks, but the economy is so bad right now that over
1000 Americans have volunteered to become the Obama dog."
--David Letterman

"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday,
when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year,when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife."
--Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the
Republican Party. And I'm thinking, if I see any more of Rush Limbaugh,
I'm going to have to send my housekeeper out to buy me painkillers."
--David Letterman

"Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete
with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1
place on the web for things that have already been invented."
--Jimmy Fallon

"And when is it -- I mean we're not even talking millions, we're talking
billions -- and when is it enough? Even kids have to do something for their allowance, don't they?
Can't we get these AIG guys to mow the lawn or take out the garbage?
Do something. Pick up trash in orange jump suits, maybe?"
--Jay Leno

"President Obama sent a secret letter to Russia's president last month.
In it, he promised that the U.S. would back off deploying a missile defense
system if Moscow would stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The Russian president immediately fired back a response, saying,
'I don't understand English.'"
--Jimmy Fallon

"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?"
--Jay Leno

"Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside.
Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former
New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation."
--David Letterman

"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been
getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh
called me up and said he wants me to fail."
--Jimmy Fallon

"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said
there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to."
--Craig Ferguson

Cheeky Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

Nascar News

Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

And so it goes......


Tina said...


I hope you feel better.

PS My hubby has totally stollen my soldier.

Ky Woman said...

Thanks! I'm feeling 50% better than I did yesterday. That's progress, right?

Andrei should get his own! Sign him up for SA, too...