Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Funnies...

What is a ten percent improvement on perfect?
~~~~~Mr. Anonymous himself

Another week has come and gone. I have been remiss in not keeping up with all the reading I normally do. Sometimes other things take precedence over my computer time. Not that I'm complaining. Not at all. Quite frankly, I'd much rather be spending time with and doing what I've been doing the last few days, than being home alone on the computer... I'm sure that most of you will understand. Right?

Even though I have to prepare for the last day at the donut place, I wanted to drop in with a quick note to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. And to leave y'all with a funny email that O'Wise One sent me last night. I started laughing out loud and then Mr. A had to read it, we were both laughing as we read the ending. I was wiping the tears out of my eyes at the image it created. Hope it brings a wee bit of laughter to y'all as well.


Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction
of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili-cooking contest. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is judge #3.)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?!
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to putout the flames.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
pie-eyed from all of the beer..

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac???

Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato;
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems
inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing;
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.

And so it goes......

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