Flirtation: attention without intention.
~~~~~Max O'Rell
Yikes! 'Tis been a few weeks without the funnies to lighten the load of all the drama going on in the world. So much that there are days that I'd like to not so much take a look at what all is happening. But then again, I can't stop myself.
So without further adieu...
Jesse, John, and Al...
L.A. Times headlines
"South Los Angeles four-plex destroyed by a fire " .
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all
six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country
from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they
too, died.
One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew
into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims, and
Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief said, "Simple--- they were away .... at work."
~~~~~
First Job...
Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that
we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the
goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough' more or less,
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew
building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the
house again this week, too'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those a-holes at Home Depot ever get around
to delivering the f***in’ drywall...'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
~~~~~
Best Interview on Radio...
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of
the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between
a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.
~~~~~
And so it goes......
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Friday Funnies...
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
~~~~~Irish Proverb
The workday requirements took precedence over my getting a few jokes posted today. Thankfully it was the last day of raging against the machine. My body thinks it's chewed me up and spit me back out. I hurt in places I forgot I had. Laughing at these little jokes might help ease the pain coursing through my muscles. That and a good long soak in the tub.
O'Wise One has done her part in my healing by sending me the first one. I had to call her late last night almost in tears over it. Awh, she knew I would break out in peals of laughter.
I do hope that they tickle your funny bone as well.
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.
Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~
Cowboy and the Indians
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the a**. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the a**.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
And so it goes......
~~~~~Irish Proverb
The workday requirements took precedence over my getting a few jokes posted today. Thankfully it was the last day of raging against the machine. My body thinks it's chewed me up and spit me back out. I hurt in places I forgot I had. Laughing at these little jokes might help ease the pain coursing through my muscles. That and a good long soak in the tub.
O'Wise One has done her part in my healing by sending me the first one. I had to call her late last night almost in tears over it. Awh, she knew I would break out in peals of laughter.
I do hope that they tickle your funny bone as well.
Lizard Birth...Deal with the Devil...
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on
my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do..
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.
'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly
to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
in their cage?' she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!'
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm,
sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know,' she informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,'
I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
'Should I call 911 ? ' my eldest daughter wanted
to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted
to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured.
'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going g to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor..
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um . . um . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started
to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,
but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
'It's just .that . .I 'm picturing you pulling on its . . .
its. . . teeny little . . ',
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter..
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30..
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
~~~~~
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.
Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~
Cowboy and the Indians
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the a**. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the a**.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
And so it goes......
Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday Funnies...
We exaggerate misfortune and happiness alike. We are never as bad off or as happy as we say we are.
~~~~~Honore de Balzac
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas "
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
~~~~~
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...What the hell did you think I said?
~~~~~
An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"
The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."
About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.
The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."
The baby stares at the items for a moment.He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"
And so it goes......
~~~~~Honore de Balzac
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas "
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
~~~~~
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...What the hell did you think I said?
~~~~~
An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"
The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."
About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.
The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."
The baby stares at the items for a moment.He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"
And so it goes......
Friday, October 10, 2008
Friday Funnies...
The legions of reporters who cover politics don't want to quit the clash and thunder of electoral combat for the dry duty of analyzing the federal budget. As a consequence, we have created the perpetual presidential campaign.
~~~~~Hugh Sidey
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Vote carefully this year.
~~~~~
Nana's Nursing Home...
A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."
~~~~~
Friends vs. Southern Friends
(for all my Southern Friends whether they live in the North or South!! Love ya!)
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home !'
FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail .
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.
FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home.
FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.
And so it goes......
~~~~~Hugh Sidey
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Vote carefully this year.
~~~~~
Nana's Nursing Home...
A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."
~~~~~
Friends vs. Southern Friends
(for all my Southern Friends whether they live in the North or South!! Love ya!)
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home !'
FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail .
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.
FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home.
FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.
And so it goes......
Friday, October 3, 2008
Friday Funnies...
Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour.
~~~~~Arthur Schopenhauer
Only in America......
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
~~~~~
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~
Have a Good Day
A Florida senior citizen drive his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing" I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper . . .. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
And so it goes......
~~~~~Arthur Schopenhauer
Only in America......
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
~~~~~
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~
Have a Good Day
A Florida senior citizen drive his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing" I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper . . .. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
And so it goes......
Friday, September 19, 2008
Friday Funnies...
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
~~~~~George S. Patton
Conventions or Conferences...
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!
Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy."
~~~~~
Love Dress...
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked! " the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end."
"Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Visiting hours will be on Monday from 2 to 4 & 7 to 9 at The Rest Assured Funeral Home
~~~~~
5 Minute Management Course...
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And so it goes......
~~~~~George S. Patton
Conventions or Conferences...
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!
Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy."
~~~~~
Love Dress...
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked! " the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end."
"Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Visiting hours will be on Monday from 2 to 4 & 7 to 9 at The Rest Assured Funeral Home
~~~~~
5 Minute Management Course...
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And so it goes......
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday Funnies...
Why not learn to enjoy the little things - there are so many of them.
~~~~~Author Unknown
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter! ..
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
~~~~~
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't it obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading,' she replies.
To which he replies, 'Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I am not fishing. I am reading,' she replies, again.
Again he says, 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
And she replies, 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
~~~~~
Noah in 2008
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans"
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah,
"but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
And so it goes......
~~~~~Author Unknown
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter! ..
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
~~~~~
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't it obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading,' she replies.
To which he replies, 'Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I am not fishing. I am reading,' she replies, again.
Again he says, 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
And she replies, 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
~~~~~
Noah in 2008
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans"
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah,
"but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
And so it goes......
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday Funnies...
No matter how grouchy you're feeling,
You'll find the smile more or less healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth -
Thus preserving the face from congealing.
~~~~~Anthony Euwer
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE : I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
~~~~~
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road.
~~~~~Henry Ward Beecher
WHY I NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket when I selected:
A half gallon of milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of Folger coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up my purchase, the drunk calmly said, "You must be single."
I was a little bit startled by the proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what? You're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?
"The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
~~~~~
I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I'm blue.
~~~~~Author Unknown
Who's Your Best Friend?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
~~~~~
And so it goes......
You'll find the smile more or less healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth -
Thus preserving the face from congealing.
~~~~~Anthony Euwer
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE : I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
~~~~~
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road.
~~~~~Henry Ward Beecher
WHY I NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket when I selected:
A half gallon of milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of Folger coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up my purchase, the drunk calmly said, "You must be single."
I was a little bit startled by the proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what? You're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?
"The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
~~~~~
I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I'm blue.
~~~~~Author Unknown
Who's Your Best Friend?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
~~~~~
And so it goes......
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday Funnies...
We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are. We adults, on the other hand, have outgrown them and have to lower ourselves to stoop down to them. It seems to me that the grass hates us when we confess our love for it. Whoever would partake of all good things must understand how to be small at times!!
~~~~~Friedrich Nietzsche
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
~~~~~
GOTTA PEE
Two lady friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them to dry.Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. Fortunately, she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next morning one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' night outs have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'You think that's bad,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' _____
~~~~~
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify several times That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy
Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!
~~~~~
Great explaination of republican vs democrat
This explains it all, Father/Daughter talk...
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, anddidn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
If anyone has a better explanation of the philosophical difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.
And so it goes......
~~~~~Friedrich Nietzsche
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
~~~~~
GOTTA PEE
Two lady friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them to dry.Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. Fortunately, she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next morning one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' night outs have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'You think that's bad,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' _____
~~~~~
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify several times That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy
Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!
~~~~~
Great explaination of republican vs democrat
This explains it all, Father/Daughter talk...
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, anddidn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
If anyone has a better explanation of the philosophical difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.
And so it goes......
Friday, May 30, 2008
Late Edition of Friday Funnies...
Dear Lord, Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am, and keep ever burning before my vagrant steps the kindly light of hope...
And though I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams, teach me to be thankful for life, and for time's olden memories that are good and sweet.
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.
~~~~~Irish Blessing
I've been forced to take a day of leisure. My spirit was willing but the body protested just a tad bit much. It was one of those bone achy, scratchy throat, hard to swallow, nothing tastes right type of days. I did try to make a doctor's appointment to no avail. Call back in the morning... Yup, I plan on it. But it sure messes up my day when I can't enjoy drinking my morning coffee.
Trying to alleviate my boredom, I've read several books. I surely wish I had not left "House to House" by David Bellavia on the plane to Daytona. "The Blog of War" by Matthew Burden will be devoured a second time. Heck, I might even do more searching for those undiscovered milblogs...
Now I'd like to leave you with a wee bit of laughter...always good medicine for the soul.
~~~~~
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had?
So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her oh no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
~~~~~
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
And so it goes......
And though I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams, teach me to be thankful for life, and for time's olden memories that are good and sweet.
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.
~~~~~Irish Blessing
I've been forced to take a day of leisure. My spirit was willing but the body protested just a tad bit much. It was one of those bone achy, scratchy throat, hard to swallow, nothing tastes right type of days. I did try to make a doctor's appointment to no avail. Call back in the morning... Yup, I plan on it. But it sure messes up my day when I can't enjoy drinking my morning coffee.
Trying to alleviate my boredom, I've read several books. I surely wish I had not left "House to House" by David Bellavia on the plane to Daytona. "The Blog of War" by Matthew Burden will be devoured a second time. Heck, I might even do more searching for those undiscovered milblogs...
Now I'd like to leave you with a wee bit of laughter...always good medicine for the soul.
~~~~~
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had?
So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her oh no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
~~~~~
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
And so it goes......
Monday, May 5, 2008
Laughter is Good for You
My other 'older' sister VS sends this via email... Did I mention I have 4? We are firm believers in the power of laughter. When we get together, it's worse than a gaggle of geese. We're snorting, hee hawing, giggling, crying from all the laughs we produce. To me, that's the best of times....
Oh! Did I mention we also consider ourselves G.R.I.T.S? For those of you less informed, it means Girls Raised In The South.
Gotta love em!
~~~~~
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on
business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and
that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York
City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?'
Ah, the Old Stupid Alabama Rednecks and his
name was BUBBA!
~~~~~
And so it goes......
Oh! Did I mention we also consider ourselves G.R.I.T.S? For those of you less informed, it means Girls Raised In The South.
Gotta love em!
~~~~~
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on
business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and
that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York
City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?'
Ah, the Old Stupid Alabama Rednecks and his
name was BUBBA!
~~~~~
And so it goes......
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