'Cause We're Friends...

There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound.
~~~~~Diana Cortes



For my friend... without mentioning any names.

Always know I'm here if you need a ear, a hand, a hug and or prayers. All are yours, any time...day or night.







And so it goes......

Last Days Of Summer...

Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or effort to change us, as no one in our entire lives has ever done, not our parents, siblings, spouses, friends - and hardly ever our own grown children.
~~~~~Ruth Goode


It's been a busy weekend for me and mine. The grand-kids came to spend a few days with me. As they do every other weekend. Hunny Bunny 1's dad (DB) thought we should take them to the local swimming hole for some much needed energy release.

Before we could go swimming, I had to go buy them all new swimsuits as they've outgrown everything I've got here at my house. Boy Howdy!! Do they ever grow so fast...

After completing our shopping spree where I found some great bargains on 'end of season' sales, we drove to the local swimming hole; Coney Island's Sunlight Pool. It's a good thing we made the trip on Saturday as the weather turned off rainy and cooler on Sunday. At least we got the last of summer hur-rah in. I'm hoping this doesn't mean there won't be warm weather again. I'm just not ready to welcome fall and winter so fast. Farmer's Almanac is predicting a bad winter for us here in the Ohio River Valley. Someone said it was going to be like the one we experienced back in 77-78. Yes, I do remember that year!!

Anyways, back to summer fun...

The following pictures are from our day swimming. The kids really enjoyed playing with "Daddy" and "Uncle Daniel". I enjoyed getting some time to just relax and do some people watching. I didn't take my swimsuit as I don't swim and am very self-conscious of being seen in a swimsuit...but after seeing everyone else in theirs, I shouldn't be.


DB and the littlest grand daughter Hunny Bunny 2 playing with a water toy.

Oh my! Daddy is going to flip over the round floaty!! "Here, let me help. Watch this Scotty!!"

Hanging on the rails... Hunny Bunny 1 and Booger Butt 2.

That look of Hunny Bunny 1's face is just so funny! I'm not sure what she was doing or getting ready to do.

Ruh Roh... Nana!!! Daddy is chasing us!

Okay, we're all in here, let's go play...

I love this picture of Hunny Bunny 2 looking so reflective... more like "Hmm, what kind of trouble can I get into now." Just keep that water filled toy pointed away from Nana!!


All in all, we had a wonderful day at the pool. DB took us back to his house for dinner. By the time he got chicken breast, baked potatoes and corn on the cob cooked, the kids were starving! But they did clean their plates and even asked for more grilled chicken. I have to admit that his cooking is getting better than when he first started his bachelor days. He loves eating healthier now. Last time we went out to dinner I had asked him where he wanted to go, he replied "Anywhere but fast food." A totally different story from when he was a youngster. I think I've passed the love of cooking down to at least two of my kids. SG also has proven that her cooking is on par with mine. And she loves to share the resluts from her time in her kitchen with those she loves. Always a good thing, yes?




And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

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Friday Funnies...

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
~~~~~Irish Proverb



The workday requirements took precedence over my getting a few jokes posted today. Thankfully it was the last day of raging against the machine. My body thinks it's chewed me up and spit me back out. I hurt in places I forgot I had. Laughing at these little jokes might help ease the pain coursing through my muscles. That and a good long soak in the tub.

O'Wise One has done her part in my healing by sending me the first one. I had to call her late last night almost in tears over it. Awh, she knew I would break out in peals of laughter.

I do hope that they tickle your funny bone as well.

Lizard Birth...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. 

Here's what happened: 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on
my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.. 

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.
'She's having babies.' 

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' 

I was equally outraged. 

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly
to my wife. 

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
in their cage?' she inquired 
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!'
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm,
sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know,' she informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!). 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it. 

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..' 

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know. 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. 

'We don't appear to be making much progress,'
I noted. 

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results. 

'Should I call 911 ? ' my eldest daughter wanted
to know. 

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted
to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb). 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass. 

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically. 

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured.
'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?' 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 

'Is Ernie going g to be okay?' my wife asked. 

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor..
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um . . um . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife. 

We were silent, absorbing this. 

'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered. 

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started
to giggle. And giggle. 
And then even laugh loudly. 

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,
but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. 

Tears were now running down her face.
'It's just .that . .I 'm picturing you pulling on its . . .
its. . . teeny little . . ',
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me. 

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.. 

Two lizards: $140. 

One cage: $50. 

Trip to the vet: $30.. 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie:  Priceless! 


Moral of the story: 

Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs! 
~~~~~

Deal with the Devil...

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.

Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.

The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~

Cowboy and the Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the a**. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the a**.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"





And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
~~~~~Lewis Cass



Another work week ends, and yet my work here at home is just beginning. How can that be? Didn't you know that a woman's work is never done? Yup, tis true. Don't believe me? Ask another woman... Ha Ha.

Since it's only a couple of weeks away from Cupid's Day, I must spend part of my weekend hours baking. Momma has promised to come help me with the making of cookies to send to 'Our Guys'. I think we will be making a extra box to send to the recovering Marine, B.B. and his wife.

Oh, didn't I tell y'all that he has arrived at Bethesda, his wife and parents are there, too. Momma had a phone conversation with his grandmother who relayed a few of his reactions to his injuries. "As soon as I can get out of here, I'm going back to get that S.O.B." Typical, isn't it? A Soldier wanting to get back into the fight. A true warrior. Especially now that it has become personal. His wife was heard to reply. "Oh no you aren't. We're going home to Kentucky!"
Time will tell who wins that argument.


Last week I neglected to post my usual Friday Funnies. I'm sorry, I was otherwise occupied. Today seems to be a good day to resume. I'm in need of a few good laughs. A hectic week, the drives to work being extremely harrowing, as well as being a touch lonely. Nothing cures the blues better than a good belly laugh or at least a chuckle to bring a smile to the face.

Our new OBAMA policies

Dear employee:


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future.


Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.


This program will be known as S.L.A.P.
(Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase
of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W.
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get: H.E.R.P.E.S.
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)or
C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans,
any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S or C.L.A.P. will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
on board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).


We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive.
We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in
this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T.
on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.


And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

~~~~~
A Very Bad Day

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink,and he just stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking around. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No-no, it's not that. Today day has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to a very important meeting. My boss,was so Furious, that he just up and fired me. Then, when I left the building to go to my car, I found,that It had been stolen. Then police, tell me that they could do nothing about it. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab, which had all of my money in it . I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!




And so it goes......

Calling Heaven...

Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted.
~~~~~George A. Dorsey



There have been many times in the last few years that I've picked up the phone to call my Daddy. Then I'd stop myself, asking why did I do that?, knowing that he can't answer. You see, Daddy passed away June 19th, 2005. It was Father's Day. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He was born on January 14, 1927. He would have been 82 had the cancer not stolen his hope. Yes, he had hoped to beat that ugly old cancer. I remember all of us kids discussing with him and Momma, all of the new, untried, holistic, quack remedies or possible cures. We girls had gone to the oncologists office with them. We knew the outcome. We knew the options. WE KNEW THERE WERE NONE...

Daddy had melanoma that had metastasized. The original cancer had started in his right eye. A seed radiation had been implanted to burn the melanoma, but we were cautioned then that if it didn't eradicate all of it, it would possibly return in his liver within a year. 14 months later, the mass was discovered on the liver's main aortic vessel. Surgery wasn't an option. Radiation wasn't an option. Chemotherapy was the only treatment with any hope. I took him to the Cancer Treatment Center 3 days a week. Every week. We started in late January and stopped near the end of April. After each treatment, we'd stop at some restaurant along the way home, have coffee or share a plate of french fries and catfish. And we'd talk, then talk some more.

That last treatment visit was so hard. The nurses knew that they wouldn't be seeing David B. Pierce, my Daddy come in anymore. He would always tease them, make jokes, and just be his general pain in the ass type of guy that he was.

And yet... Daddy had hope.

In early June, we moved him to my youngest sister's house. She owned a huge house, enough room for all of us and a hospital bed. Let me tell you, it was a really big home to hold all of us kids, her family, plus all the in-laws that came, grandchildren, whoever wanted to be there, stayed. We moved travel trailers into the driveway. We made pallets on the floor. We slept in chairs, on couches, and air mattresses. We didn't care. Daddy didn't want to go to Hospice nor would we allow him to.

My only problem was that she lived a little better than an hour away from me. I made arrangements to take FMLA leave. I took my remaining weeks vacation to spend with Daddy prior to the FMLA starting. I'm so very thankful I did. It was a week where Daddy's every wish and whim was granted. I remember how he once yelled at us when we didn't think the cost of one of those "cures" was worth it. He told us it held hope and that as long as he had that hope then he had a fighting chance on beating the cancer. We bought the "cure".


With two of my sisters being RN's, we all knew the medical terminology/jargon. I had done several stints in a Nursing Home. Momma had been an assistant in our local Doctor's office. The eldest brother had been an Air Force Medic for 7 years. We could handle anything Daddy needed. Or so we thought...

There were fights and arguments galore. Just because we all were adults didn't change the dynamics of being siblings. O'Wise One had reached the ripe old age of over fifty when Daddy gave her last spanking. All because of me. I think we were out on the front porch when being Daddy's daughter, I zinged her with a wet kitchen towel. Back and forth several times until she got the better of me and I let out a yelp. Daddy thought she had hurt me, so he smacked her on the butt. "Oh No Daddy, she didn't hurt me."

But she was. Not physically, but emotionally. She was devastated. As was I. That evening she and I went for a drive. Words needed to be said, tears needed to be cried. Within an hour, calls were being made to our cell phones to return. Seems we had that magic touch Daddy wanted. We can laugh about it now, but at the time, the thought that he would choose one over the other made both of us hurt. Apologies were given and accepted. Still, the feelings are there.

Several nights later, we spent his last evening sitting in the bedroom, crowded around the bed. Daddy wanted us to sing all his favorite songs. Several of my sisters have beautiful voices, as well as Momma. Me, I sing solo. So low, no one can hear me. As we sang, we'd all take turns brushing Daddy's scalp. His silver hair had fallen out without us paying much attention to it having done so. We would stop for a minute to make a comment or something another when Daddy would raise his eyebrows and motion with his eyes for us to continue. The youngest brother, and any of the rest of us girls who weren't rubbing his head or brushing his scalp, rubbed his legs, feet, hands and arms. Daddy enjoyed the rubs and we certainly needed to touch his warm skin as long as we could.

The one song that I'll always associate with my Daddy is the old gospel song of "I'll Fly Away". It had been his favorite as far back as I can remember. Since my speakers aren't working on my computer right now, I won't attempt to add a video. I need to hear it, too. But I will add the lyrics below and listen in my memories...

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

There's not a day that goes by, where I don't wish I could speak to Daddy just one more time. To rub his head or brush his hair, to sit at the table with him, sharing a piece of Pineapple Upside Down cake, his favorite. To watch him pick up the plate and lick the crumbs off. There are so many of Daddy's quirks that manifest themselves in us, his children and now his grandchildren. I know that Daddy will truly never die as long as we are alive. But there are so many days, I wish I could pick up that phone to hear his voice... One more time.

In our family, we have a little competition to see who can call whoever is having a birthday and be the first to wish them "Happy Birthday". This year, I think I've beaten everyone.

Happy Birthday Daddy! I will always love and miss you. I know you had to fly away.






And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

To the lamp of love: may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial.
~~~~~Author Unknown


Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!


A woman was returning home from church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
~~~~~

Three men -

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three
wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada'. POOF! With the blink of
the Genie's eye,the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,
500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
~~~~

Alternative Affirmations...

It is a time of resolutions. I made one resolution many years ago and I have stuck to it. I resolved to no longer make resolutions. The following are some alternative affirmations for a new year.

At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

18. I will no longer procrastinate... starting tomorrow.

(note: I added the last one just for good measure. The reality is that I know I procrastinate... As I sit here staring at my Christmas tree. There is one consolation though, I also know I'm in good company.)






And so it goes......

Santa Babies...

Remember
This December,
That love weighs more than gold!
~Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon

And so it goes......

Late Night Friday Funnies...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.
~~~~~Flavia Weedn


It was an extremely long day today. Many irritations and misunderstandings that made me just want to step away from it all. To pack my bags and take a solitary trip someplace nice and quiet.
But... it was my weekend time with the Hunny Bunnies and Booger Butt. My picking them up from daycare was in jeopardy until my DIL called and tried to explain their silence. I'm still not sure of their why's and what for's. As long as I'm able to see the youngins, I'm good to go.
The Hunny Bunny 1 wasn't allowed to be picked up till late tonight, and no offer to bring her to my house was forthcoming. Since I didn't want to drag two sleeping babies out in the cold dark night, I elected to pick her up in the morning. See, it was one of those days. Frustration was struggling to overcome me. There are times it seems everything is at someone else's convenience, never for mine. Ah well, a hundred years from now, it won't matter one whit.
I reckon now is a good time to read a bit for the humor that keeps me sane in an insane world.
~~~~~


BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth
and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
~~~~~

Frequent Flyers...

On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

~~~~~

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

~~~~~

Needles are not nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

~~~~~

So how was your day?

And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
~~~~~Author Unknown


History Quotes...

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer,1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

~~~~~

Court Jester...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Because my name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then is it possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

~~~~~

Words from Late Night TV Hosts...

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study justcame out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." --Conan O'Brien

"And tomorrow, President Bush will pardon turkeys. This year, I think you know the turkeys, the Lehman brothers. Here's what I don't like about the turkeys this year, they're arrogant. These turkeys that they're going to pardon this year, they're arrogant. They're flying in from Detroit on their private jets." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." --Jay Leno

"A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

"NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work." --David Letterman

"In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, 'This isn't about big government or small government. It's about building a smarter government.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I get it. I get it. I'm leaving.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to some statistics the government released yesterday, Mexican immigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last two years. And you have to hand it to President Bush, he knew that the way to stop people from sneaking into the country, it's not to build a fence or a wall, it's to make this country very undesirable. Most illegal immigrants come here to make money, but now we don't have any money anymore. That's Number 43 for you, always thinking ahead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman

"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno

And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
~~~~~Thornton Wilder


Since I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, preparing for an influx of sisters', brothers', nieces, nephews, Momma, the in-laws and out-laws, too, I thought I would post some "Thanksgiving" related jokes and such.

Tonight, the cooking starts...
It might be a few days before I've recuperated enough to be out and about in the blogosphere. Ha! Another joke... You forgot about this addiction of mine, didn't ya?


Thanksgiving Facts:

By the fall of 1621 only half of the pilgrims, who had sailed on the Mayflower, survived. The survivors, thankful to be alive, decided to give a thanksgiving feast. Aren't we all thankful?

Thanksgiving Day is celebrated on the second Monday in October in Canada. Darn, they've got a head start on us.

The drink that the Puritans brought with them in the Mayflower was the beer. Hmmm, so they liked beer, did they?

The first Thanksgiving celebration lasted three days. Still true today. 2 days to prepare and 1 to eat!

President George Washington issued the first national Thanksgiving Day Proclamation in the year 1789 and again in 1795. Did they not celebrate their being thankful the years in between?

Sarah Josepha Hale, an editor with a magazine, started a Thanksgiving campaign in 1827 and it was result of her efforts that in 1863 Thanksgiving was observed as a day for national thanksgiving and prayer. Even back then, the media was good at influencing the public.

Abraham Lincoln issued a 'Thanksgiving Proclamation' on third October 1863 and officially set aside the last Thursday of November as the national day for Thanksgiving. Whereas earlier the presidents used to make an annual proclamation to specify the day when Thanksgiving was to be held. Say what? So it was whenever the President at the time decided that we needed to be thankful? Oy Vey!! What were they thinking?


President Franklin D. Roosevelt restored Thursday before last of November as Thanksgiving Day in the year 1939. He did so to make the Christmas shopping season longer and thus stimulate the economy of the state. Oh Lordy! Let's not give them any ideas here.

Congress passed an official proclamation in 1941 and declared that now onwards Thanksgiving will be observed as a legal holiday on the fourth Thursday of November every year. Can you imagine Congress actually doing something constructive?
~~~~~


Q- What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.
~~~~~

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
~~~~~

Thanksgiving Divorce -

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,” She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

~~~~~

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast:

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

~~~~~

Things to do and say to liven up Thanksgiving Dinner:

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."






And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
~~~~~Bill Cosby

The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
~~~~~

Purchasing new brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"
~~~~~

Strange But True...

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists ( which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
~~~~~
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
~~~~~
This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric Next 20 miles
~~~~~
When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.
~~~~~
In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations.
~~~~~
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company (3M) creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
~~~~~
Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
~~~~~
Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:
"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.
~~~~~
A replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
~~~~~
A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone. After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.
~~~~~
The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business. The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.
~~~~~
Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men. The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.
~~~~~
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing." To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"
~~~~~





And so it goes......