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Friday, June 27, 2008

Friday Funnies...

We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are. We adults, on the other hand, have outgrown them and have to lower ourselves to stoop down to them. It seems to me that the grass hates us when we confess our love for it. Whoever would partake of all good things must understand how to be small at times!!
~~~~~Friedrich Nietzsche


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
~~~~~


GOTTA PEE

Two lady friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them to dry.Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. Fortunately, she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next morning one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' night outs have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'You think that's bad,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' _____
~~~~~


Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify several times That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!
~~~~~


Great explaination of republican vs democrat
This explains it all, Father/Daughter talk...

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, anddidn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

If anyone has a better explanation of the philosophical difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.



And so it goes......

4 comments:

Jo said...

Thanks for the laughs. That is something I recommend for all.

Bob said...

That last one is hilarious, but it's no joke. That pretty well sums up the politics of envy promoted by the dim-ocrats.

piper said...

Belly laughs, Ky Woman - thank you! :-)

Enjoyed them all...

Ky Woman said...

Thanks y'all!

Laughter makes the world a brighter place.

Plus it makes for some interesting crow's feet around the eyes. Much rather have laugh lines than those ole frown lines...