Friday Funnies...

We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are. We adults, on the other hand, have outgrown them and have to lower ourselves to stoop down to them. It seems to me that the grass hates us when we confess our love for it. Whoever would partake of all good things must understand how to be small at times!!
~~~~~Friedrich Nietzsche


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
~~~~~


GOTTA PEE

Two lady friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them to dry.Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. Fortunately, she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next morning one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' night outs have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'You think that's bad,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' _____
~~~~~


Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify several times That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!
~~~~~


Great explaination of republican vs democrat
This explains it all, Father/Daughter talk...

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, anddidn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

If anyone has a better explanation of the philosophical difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.



And so it goes......

Memories....

From my childhood...

The Sugar-Plum Tree

by Eugene Field

Have you ever heard of the Sugar-Plum Tree?

'T is a marvel of great renown!

It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop sea

In the garden of Shut-Eye Town;

The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet

(As those who have tasted it say)

That good little children have only to eat

Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you 've got to the tree, you would have a hard time

To capture the fruit which I sing;

The tree is so tall that no person could climb

To the boughs where the sugar-plums swing!

But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,

And a gingerbread dog prowls below---

And this is the way you contrive to get at

Those sugar-plums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog

And he barks with such terrible zest

That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,

As her swelling proportions attest.

And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around

From this leafy limb unto that,

And the sugar-plums tumble, of course, to the ground---

Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes,

With stripings of scarlet or gold,

And you carry away of the treasure that rains

As much as your apron can hold!

So come, little child, cuddle closer to me

In your dainty white nightcap and gown,

And I 'll rock you away to that

Sugar-Plum Tree

In the garden of Shut-Eye Town.

~~~~~

O How I remember my Momma reading this to us when we were children. We had this huge book of poems that she would read from. We would sit for hours to listen. That was very unusual for us to sit for any length of time without someone starting to whine "make him or her get off of me". I think my baby sister MJ inherited the book of poems (which reminds me to ask Momma why she got it). Sibling rivalry exposed.

For some reason over this self imposed exile to the sickbed, I've thought of this poem often. I tried to recall all of it but couldn't. Thus, I had to do some research. Thank you world wide web for giving me back a memory of my youth.

Ohh, can't you tell I'm feeling better? Yes, I am! Plus... I'm no longer contagious. Which means I've got to get busy with all the plans I had for earlier last week. I also have some changes in mind for the sidebar here. Lots of new blogs I've read and want to share with my few readers. Hi, Piper, Susan, MB, Jo, Claire, Mr.Hooah! Granny, Jeannine and everyone else I can't name...

While I've been reading the milblogs, (that addiction thingy) there have been several things I've noticed not getting the attention they deserve. I hope to rectify that after I take care of the delayed plans. Till then, I'll leave you with those famous words from Arnold ~ "I'll be back"

And so it goes......

Late Edition of Friday Funnies...

Dear Lord, Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am, and keep ever burning before my vagrant steps the kindly light of hope...
And though I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams, teach me to be thankful for life, and for time's olden memories that are good and sweet.
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.
~~~~~Irish Blessing


I've been forced to take a day of leisure. My spirit was willing but the body protested just a tad bit much. It was one of those bone achy, scratchy throat, hard to swallow, nothing tastes right type of days. I did try to make a doctor's appointment to no avail. Call back in the morning... Yup, I plan on it. But it sure messes up my day when I can't enjoy drinking my morning coffee.

Trying to alleviate my boredom, I've read several books. I surely wish I had not left "House to House" by David Bellavia on the plane to Daytona. "The Blog of War" by Matthew Burden will be devoured a second time. Heck, I might even do more searching for those undiscovered milblogs...

Now I'd like to leave you with a wee bit of laughter...always good medicine for the soul.
~~~~~


Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had?
So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her oh no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
~~~~~


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.



And so it goes......

Laughter is Good for You

My other 'older' sister VS sends this via email... Did I mention I have 4? We are firm believers in the power of laughter. When we get together, it's worse than a gaggle of geese. We're snorting, hee hawing, giggling, crying from all the laughs we produce. To me, that's the best of times....

Oh! Did I mention we also consider ourselves G.R.I.T.S? For those of you less informed, it means Girls Raised In The South.

Gotta love em!

~~~~~
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on
business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and
that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York
City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, the Old Stupid Alabama Rednecks and his
name was BUBBA!

~~~~~


And so it goes......